by Marty Klein
I was recently interviewed by internet safety expert Dr. Larry Magid for a piece on kids looking at porn. We had such an interesting conversation I thought I’d write about this myself.
Of course, 700 words can’t possibly cover every aspect of this issue. But let’s begin.
Given the typical danger-oriented media coverage of pornography, it’s easy for parents to feel terribly anxious about this issue. To listen to Newsweek or “morality” groups, you’d think that every American boy is in danger of becoming a porn addict—an obsessive, aggressive loser who hates women, and eventually destroys himself.
So let’s all take a deep breath and calm down.
Here’s what we know: All children are sexual. That means they have sexual feelings and thoughts. Naturally, six-year-olds don’t think about intercourse, and thirteen-year-olds can’t imagine the subtleties of mutual arousal and satisfaction. But every human is born a sexual being. How parents deal with their feelings about their children’s sexuality will shape how they feel about, and what they do about, their kid looking at porn.
So how do you, Mom or Dad, feel about your kid masturbating? That is, after all, why he or she looks at porn more than once or twice. If you can’t handle that, the kid’s use of porn will of course be unacceptable—but beside the point. Whether it’s about kids’ use or adults’ use, too many conversations about whether porn is harmful to users or society is really about the unacceptability of masturbation. If that’s your position, be honest and say “I don’t want my kid masturbating to porn because I don’t want my kid masturbating.”
Even parents who accept the reality that their kids are sexual and masturbate can be concerned about porn. What if it’s violent? What if it encourages values of which I disapprove? What if it’s confusing?
The answer to all three questions is: it might.
The porn your kid watches might be violent—but it probably isn’t. Most porn isn’t—for the simple reason that there’s a limited market for that.
The porn your kid watches might encourage values of which you disapprove—but it probably doesn’t. Most porn shows men and women as partners, wanting pleasure and wanting to give pleasure. Porn isn’t a love story, so if you disapprove of people having sex before marriage, you may object to your kid watching almost any sexual depiction, whether it’s porn or Desperate Housewives.
But if your kid watches porn, he or she might easily get confused: Is that what sex is really like? Is that what most people look like naked? Do strangers really have sex together so easily? Are some people really rough with each other in bed? (This is where you explain that just as kids play games on the ballfield, pretending to be mean or brave when they really aren’t, some adults play games in bed, pretending to be bossy or submissive when they really aren’t.)
Questions like these deserve answers. And if you remember your childhood—before the internet—you know that kids develop questions (and confusion) about sex even without porn. After all, you did.
The response to “my kid’s watching porn, what do I do?” is—you talk about it. You ask lots of gentle questions. Your kid squirms. You explain stuff. You squirm. No one’s comfortable talking about this. You talk anyway. That’s what parents do—they talk about subjects even when they’re uncomfortable.
Just like kids need media literacy, kids need porn literacy. They need to understand that they’re watching actors playing roles, not documentaries. They need to understand that just as Glee and Harry Potter are edited, so are porn films. None of these media products is an accurate portrayal of real life. For example, porn usually omits two crucial parts of sex—the feelings and the talking.
All of this argues for a pre-existing parent-child relationship, doesn’t it? No one wants their first parent-child conversation about sex to be about porn.
So make 2012 the year you raise the subject of sexuality with each of your kids. Both you and they will benefit. And if at some point you need to discuss porn with them, you’ll already be in the middle of a loving, long-term dialogue.
Reprinted from Sexual Intelligence , copyright © Marty Klein, Ph.D. (www.SexualIntelligence.org).
Yes. Thank you for saying this PERFECTLY.
Great article! A must read for parents!
This was terrific as a way to come to grips with your own feelings about sexuality of you child and to introduce the need for talking about sexuality with your kids before porn becomes a topic.
This is a very interesting topic, for more than one reason. First off we are all aware that the first line of education for children these days is the internet. When kids hear a new word on the playground or from their older sibling they will run to the computer and google it, I mean who actually asks their parents about things anymore? This is also where the problem arises, because a couple clicks of the mouse and magically they end up at a porn site and then one thing leads to another. In my opinion, we as a society need to address this issue before the child takes it into their own hands, so to speak. Parents need to be more aware of what their children are exploring on the internet, either by creating a default setting that prevents the exploration of such sites or links and also setting up a notification system that allows the parents to see what the child is looking at. It is then that the parent can intervene and discuss with the child the topic of porn and can relay their own beliefs to him/her. Of course this will most likely only spark more interest for the child, lets be honest, its natural instinct to do the opposite of what our parents tell us. But at least the child will have an understanding of what they are seeing and not think that it is acceptable in societies standards. Most parents think that their child looking at porn means the end of that sweet little innocent child they raised and loved, but at some point or another we all explore things, good or bad, that’s just human nature. It is our job as parents to inform the child as much as we can as to our beliefs and the social standards on porn. At least they wont be getting all their information from a classmate at school who has no idea what they are talking about and will realize the seriousness of the issue. The parents are the first line of defense but also the first line informant.